Monday, October 14, 2013

Game 15: 4 in 1 Funpak: Vol. II

This is it. This is the test of my will, the game that will either make or break me. It's the game that will either deny me my glory, or will raise me up to the level of Game Boy Master.

It's good to know that my ultimate test is coming early in the journey, at least. This post has taken weeks to write, but it's taken my whole life to prepare for it.

4-in-1 Funpak nearly destroyed me, but its sequel...it is a new kind of machine. A test in creating something from nothing, nay, creating something from less than nothing, a black hole of interest that sucks in joy and spits out deadly radiation.

Apparently it also makes me extremely melodramatic, as if I needed any help in that department.

Alright let's get this over with. I've got four choices this time, Solitaire, Dominoes, Cribbage and...Yacht? I've never even heard of Yacht, although a nautically themed card game could work for me. Arr, all aboard the yacht, ye cardlubbers.

Right, so let's try solitaire. I know the rules and at least if I lose, I'll know it was just the luck of the draw, not a super-intelligent computer edging in on my existence, unlike the terribly unfair and boring Chessputer from last time. I'm fairly certain that only about 25% of solitaire games are winnable anyway.

Solitaire: the least interesting thing you can do with a deck of cards
I'm given the option of Vegas rules or standard rules. I go with Vegas because I have a gambling problem. I also choose to draw 1 instead of drawing 3 because ugh.

I don't think that a narrative of my game of solitaire is very interesting, so instead I'll tell you a story. Once upon a time, a wizard who lived in a tower decided he was going to make the most powerful fire spell in the world. He locked all of the doors and cloistered himself away behind the walls of his tower. For three years, he studied the workings of fire magic via the mystical tarot deck he had used his whole career. He looked through every possible permutation and combination of cards and tested out all the promising ones. Most of them fizzled and smoked, but could hardly be called fire.

One day, the wizard ran out of his tower and shouted at the top of his lungs. "Eureka! I have found the perfect arrangement of cards! I shall be famous!!!"

The explosion that followed shortly thereafter could be heard for miles. The villagers searched the rubble of the tower for many days, but never found the wizard or his spell. The only surviving card from the tarot deck was the hangman...

Anyway I lost my game of solitaire and it was quite boring.
Boom
On to dominoes! This is a game I like quite well. I played it pretty extensively via Clubhouse Games on the DS, and it's really not a bad game. We'll see how badly the computer whips me this time.

More like DomiYESes, right??
Interestingly, these computers don't seem to have difficulty levels. I presume that they are just really hard by default...or maybe the programmers for this game just sucked and they only made an easy version. I guess we'll find out?
Nope, it's definitely hard
That was my turn by the way. I should have gotten two points since the 6 and the 4 add up to 10, but I don't get any points at all. This must be some variation of the rules that I'm not aware of. Well, the comp repeatedly gets bone and I have to draw a whole bunch, so I lose the first round. Or, as it turns out, the only round, because the computer goes way over the 50 point limit right away.

At least this game is polite
Apparently points are awarded based on the dominoes that your opponent has at the end of the game. And I had, like...wow this is just boring boring stuff. So boring. I need better material ugh this is boring.

CRIBBAGE
What is this I see in the distance? Is it...boredom?
Cribbage is a game where you draw cards and funny words appear on the screen. I believe that if you lose, you die in seven days and your family forgets you ever existed. Conversely, if you win you get to ride a boat (OR SHOULD I SAY A YACHT) into a lava pit.
Bone nobs penis penis AHAHAH
After drawing 19 cards to start I'm told in no uncertain terms that I've already lost and there's no point in playing anymore. I persevere and am rewarded with pictures of my deceased loved ones in compromising positions. Hideous laughter begins to haunt me though I am certain my volume is turned all the way down.

After endless rounds my ears start to burn and I have an unshakable sense of dread wash over me.

SORRY YOU LOSE EVERYTHING YOU ONCE HELD DEAR
On to Yacht!

It turns out Yacht is just Yahtzee except renamed so nobody gets their rights of copy infringed. It's boring and then my batteries mercifully commit suicide.

Aaand that's it I am not writing one more word for this god damned awful useless soul-wrenching game. I am so bored I can't feel my toes, and my eyebrows have migrated to warmer climates. I hate everything now.

NO MORE

1 comment:

  1. Oh god if I comment on this will it look like you're talking to yourself NO YAY THAT'S GOOD.

    Anyway I just wanted to say I didn't even realize you posted this yet cos the name was the same as the last one but NOW I HAVE READ IT AND ENJOYED IT THOROUGHLY also this is why repackages of board games all have stupid characters and storylines and shit now because THERE IS NO WAY TO JUSTIFY PLAYING REAL GAMES ON A GAME BOY UNLESS YOU USED YOUR CARD-BUYING MONEY ON VINTAGE GAMES SYSTEMS

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